Becoming Somebody Read online

  As the weeks ticked by and summer turned to fall, my friendship with Jase grew. Tiff was right; he was a nice guy. We weren’t romantic in any way; it wasn’t like that. I saw him as more of a brother. Growing up as an only child in hiding, I’d missed out on things like having someone to look out for me. Jase seemed to take on the role with gusto. I’d laugh at his antics at times. He’d be perched at the end of the bar just observing. I think it was the police officer in him. His eyes were constantly scanning the room. It reminded me of the times that Dev had taken me out. Back then, I didn’t know he was a cop. I didn’t know he was on the job when we were together, but the signs were there, and now that I had the knowledge, I could see it more clearly.

  On different occasions, random men would hit on me. I was used to it. Between working here and Vegas, I’d had my share of grabby entitled men. I’d never had a problem in the past getting rid of the unwanted attention. Usually a glare or a quick snappy retort would send them running in the other direction. Jase didn’t know this though, and the first time he saw it in action was comical.

  It was late, almost closing time, when a group of young guys came into the bar. It was obvious that they’d been drinking somewhere else. They sauntered up and clumsily sat on the stools in front of me. I paused in my wiping and smiled. “What can I get you?”

  “Got any more like you back there?” The one in the middle of the group smiled at me.

  “Nope, sorry. Just me,” I turned to toss the towel in the sink and that’s when the show started.

  I don’t where they’d started their party, but they’d been over served. The one with the big mouth jumped the bar like a hurdle. He banded his arms around me, and whispered into my neck, “I’ll take you, then.” His voice was slurred, and he stumbled as I quickly spun in his arms.

  “I don’t think so,” I shook my head as I opened my hand and grabbed his junk in my fist.

  “Owww!” He howled as he released me, but I tightened my grip and twisted.

  “If you guys know what’s good for you, you’ll take your friend here home and teach him how to hold his liquor,” I growled as I looked over his shoulder at the group standing wide-eyed with their mouths gaping open. “Get the hell outta my bar,” I shoved him away from me, and glanced up to see Jase cracking up at the end of the bar.

  The group of guys bolted from the place like it was on fire, and I shook my head as I let the adrenaline that had coursed through my veins slow down. “Thanks for the help,” I rolled my eyes at Jase with a sarcastic snap.

  “Looked like you had it handled,” he chuckled. He slowly shook his head and his shoulders continued to shake with silent laughter, “I wouldn’t let them hurt you, but I did enjoy the show. Remind me to never piss you off.”

  “Deal,” I laughed as I turned to grab the rag I’d thrown in the sink. “You gonna get outta here so I can lock up. I don’t see a rush people coming anytime soon.”

  “Umm,” Jase got quiet, and then I heard the barstool scrape across the wooden floor. “Sure,” his voice didn’t sound sure, he’d had something occupying his thoughts all night.

  “Can you get the sign on your way out?” I still had my back to him as I straightened bottles.

  “You got it,” he called from the door.

  I heard it open and the bell at the top ring. I turned toward the cash register and hit the “no sale” button to release the drawer. As I pulled the tray out, the bell on the door rang again alerting me that it had opened. Instinct caused me to reach under the counter for the baseball bat I kept hidden there, but when I lifted my head to see what had caused the bell to ring, my entire world started spinning.

  “Oh my god!” I gasped as I released the bat and stumbled backward into the shelf behind me.

  “Hi,” he lifted his arms out to the side as he shrugged. “I came as soon as I knew you were here.”

  “What? How?” I shook my head as I stared at him. He looked nothing like he had the last time I’d seen him. His hair was longer, much longer. It was pulled back in a tie, but I’m sure it would touch his shoulders if I released it. The scruff on his jaw was almost a full beard. He slowly approached the bar as if he was trying to soothe a frightened animal.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered. “Sam?”

  The way he said my name put me in motion. I don’t remember my feet moving. I don’t remember much of anything other than the feel of his arms as they wrapped around me. “It’s you,” I cried as I buried my face in his neck. I took a deep breath and savored the smell of his cologne. It was just like I remembered, woodsy with a hint of pure Dev. “I thought you were on a job?” I murmured into his chest. “They wouldn’t tell me anything.” The tears that I’d been holding back for years began to spill.

  “I was,” he whispered. “We cracked the case two days ago. I’ve been debriefing at the station house.”

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me? I’ve left messages there. They knew I was looking for you,” I pushed back and paced away from him.

  “They can’t, baby,” he sighed as he pulled out a stool and dropped down onto it. “Protocol. No one’s allowed to say anything until everything’s signed and the DA has everything they need. I haven’t even been able to get a haircut yet,” he smiled a pained smile as he watched me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry?” I spun to face him. I was a mess. Hurt, confused, angry… they all swirled inside of me as my brain tried to catch up with my heart. I missed him so much. I’d thought this day would never come, but as I remembered my daughter at home, the anger rose. “Sorry for what? For never calling? Never coming to find me? Never checking in?” My voice rose higher and higher as I crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Sam,” his voice stayed quiet, almost defeated. “You know that I would’ve come after you if I could have. I loved you. I still do.”

  My heart cracked a little at his confession, but I barreled on, “I’ve been living with a broken heart for four years. I’ve been going through life pretending to be happy.”

  “I know,” he shook his head and slowly stood. He didn’t approach me like I thought he was going to. Instead, he turned toward the door.

  “Where are you going?” I demanded. “You can’t just leave.”

  “I was going to go get cleaned up at my place. You obviously need a little time,” he stood there watching, waiting to see what I would do.

  I shook my head and wiped at my eyes, “How do you know anything about what I need? You don’t know me, not the real me.”

  “I know enough,” he mumbled. “Get some rest tonight. I’ll come by tomorrow. We can talk. Figure out where we go from here.”

  “Dev?” My voice was timid, not angry like before.

  “I know,” he sighed and reached for the door he’d entered moments ago. “Believe me, I know.”

  “Promise me you’re coming back,” I was grasping at straws, afraid that if I let him go he’d disappear just like last time.

  “I promise,” he quickly strode over to where I was standing and leaned in. “I’m never leaving you again,” he placed a light kiss on my forehead.

  I closed my eyes and savored the moment. Blood rushed to the spot, causing it to tingle when he pulled away.

  “Tomorrow,” he whispered as he backed up and disappeared into the night.

  Chapter 7

  When I got back to my condo that night, I quietly crept inside. My mom was sitting in a chair in the living room reading a book. She yawned, wiped at her eyes as she closed it, and looked up at me. I must have looked pretty bad. Her eyes flashed as a small gasp escaped her lips.

  “Sam! What’s wrong?” She pushed to her feet and rushed over to me.

  I stood there frozen, trying to put the events of the night into words. I wasn’t even sure where to start. Dev showing up had been a complete surprise, and even though I’d been praying for this day to come, I didn’t know how to proceed.

  “Sam?” She pulled back from the hug she had me wrapped in and narrowed h
er eyes. “Talk to me. Did something happen? Is everyone ok? Is it Andy?”

  “He came back,” I mumbled as I felt my legs weaken under me, causing me to collapse on the sofa nearby. “He…” I pinched my eyes shut. I could hear my voice, but it sounded far away. It was as if I was talking, but it wasn’t me at the same time.

  “Who?” My mother sat down beside me and waited patiently for me to continue.

  “Dev,” I let the name slip from my lips. It was as if I was in a daze. “He came to the bar tonight.”

  “Oh honey,” my mom wrapped an arm around my shoulders and tugged me toward her. I went willingly and let my head rest in her lap. She began running her fingers through my hair as she tried to soothe me. “This is good. I promise,” she murmured.

  I don’t remember much else about our conversation. It was more of her talking and me listening. Sometime in the late hours of the night, I fell asleep right there, curled against her. It was as if I was five years old again, and she was comforting me from a nightmare. When I woke the next morning, a blanket lay over me and my mom was cooking breakfast in my kitchen. I yawned as I pushed myself up. “You don’t have to cook,” I called as I shuffled in on a mission for coffee.

  “I don’t mind,” she grinned at me. “Mara’s still asleep. Why don’t you get shower before she wakes?”

  “Sounds like a great idea,” I wrinkled my nose as I glanced down at my smelly work shirt. It was rumpled and smelled like the bar. I’d been so shocked last night that I’d done nothing to prepare for bed. Beer and sticky mixers still coated my arms, and yesterday’s makeup was crusted around my eyes. “Yeah, a shower sounds great. Thanks,” I tossed my hand in the air as I turned for the bathroom. I tugged the tie out of my hair just as I stepped through the doorway and saw my reflection in the mirror. “Oh my god! I look terrible,” I muttered.

  “Mommy?” Mara’s voice sounded from behind me causing me to jump.

  My hand flew to my chest as I whirled around, “You scared me!” I gasped.

  “Sorry,” she giggled. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too, baby,” I leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

  “Eww!” she curled her lip. “You smell yucky.”

  “I know,” I laughed. “I’m going to take a quick shower. Why don’t you go watch some cartoons? Grandma’s making breakfast.”

  “Yipee!” she squealed as she bounded toward the living room.

  I sagged against the door as I gathered my thoughts and proceeded to turn on the shower. As I climbed in, thoughts of Dev and Mara clouded my brain. How was I ever going to talk to him about her? How was I going to tell her about him? What would I do if he didn’t want her? How were they both going to react? I knew that I needed to reconnect with him first before I brought up the idea of being a father to him. We needed to do this slow, get all our cards on the table, open the locks on all those secret places, and really be honest with one another. That was the key here… honesty.

  ooooooooo

  “So what are your plans today?” My mom sat waiting patiently for me to answer. Mara had finished her breakfast and was currently giggling at some cartoon on the TV.

  “I’m supposed to meet him at the bar this afternoon to talk. I have to get ready for tonight, so I’m assuming he’s going to stop by before we open.” I lifted my coffee cup to my lips and took a small sip.

  “And then what?” she pressed.

  “I don’t know,” I huffed.

  “You don’t know?” My mom’s voice was tight. I could tell she was holding her emotions back, but I wasn’t ready to get into an argument with her about Dev, especially with Mara in the next room.

  I leaned back and tossed my arms in the air, “Tell me mother, what should I do? This is all new to me.”

  “He needs to know,” she gritted her teeth and slowly shook her head. “You need to tell him and soon.”

  “I know that,” I stressed the words. “We’ve talked all of ten minutes. I can’t just drop this bomb on him. What am I supposed to do? Walk up to him and say where have you been, oh and by the way… you have a kid? I can’t do that.”

  “That’s not what I mean, and you know it,” she sighed as she pushed her chair back. She glanced into the family room where Mara was absorbed in the TV show she was watching, “You need to tell him for her sake. She’s young enough to forgive you for lying to her. Whether he wants her or not, he needs to know.”

  “I’ll tell him, just not yet,” I placed my arms on the table and dropped my head down onto them. “I need to figure out where we’re going from here. I don’t know if he even wants to be with me,” my voice was muffled as I kept my head down. “Can you watch her today? I need to figure out where we stand before I take her along. I just…” I paused. I couldn’t continue. My head was filling with too many ‘what ifs’ and I couldn’t make it stop.

  “Yes, she can come home with me. I’ll take her to pre-school, and then take her to my place,” she shook her head and laughed humorlessly. “You have to come get her tonight, though. You’re supposed to be home early today. She needs time with you. I love my granddaughter, but she needs time with her mom.”

  “Deal. I’ll be home for dinner. In fact, I’ll bring dinner to you,” I smiled before glancing back to where Mara was still perched. “Hey, Mara?”

  “Yes, Mommy?” She bounced on the couch before turning around to look at me.

  “Go get your shoes on. Grandma’s going to take you to school. I’ll get pizza tonight when I pick you up. Sound good?”

  “Yea!” She scurried down the hallway. “Pizza!” I heard her cheer as she disappeared into her room.

  Smiling, I stood and began heading to my room to get ready. Thoughts of Dev swirled in my head, and I tried to push them away. It was going to be a long, draining day; I could sense it.

  ooooooooo

  When I arrived at the bar, it was empty and dark. This was normal for eleven in the morning. I didn’t have lunch hours, and that was working out great. We’d been packed every night since the place opened, and I wasn’t seeing the need for afternoon hours.

  I’d told Chris and Tiff that I’d do inventory today. I knew they needed a break, and they’d earned it. It also helped that this was my old chore. Tiff knew from the old days that I could do this with my eyes closed. She had tried to offer help, so had Chris. He’d given me some excuse about how I was the boss, and the boss didn’t do that kinda work. I’d brushed him off and told him to enjoy his time off. It wouldn’t come very often. He’d grinned and agreed.

  Now, thirty minutes into this and half-empty bottles surrounded me. My knack for organization was driving me nuts. I was the only one that saw the need to have a place for everything. They all put the bottles wherever they wanted. I had certain places for everything, and tonight I was going to have a talk with them about it.

  I leaned over to grab the crate off the floor just as a knock sounded on the glass of the front door. I paused and gathered my thoughts. I knew it was him, but for some reason, I was still surprised. When I lifted my head, he had his hands cupped around his eyes as he peered through the glass. It brought a smile to my lips just knowing that he was really here.

  I placed the crate on the bar and shuffled over to the door. After popping the locks open, I opened the door, and stepped back to let him enter. “I didn’t think you’d really come back,” I murmured.

  He stopped in his tracks, momentarily stunned, I guess. A look of hurt washed over his face. “Do you really have that little faith in me?”

  I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

  “Sam,” he sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “What?” I tossed my arms in the air. “I don’t know you. I have no idea who I’m talking to right now. Dev or Brian. Who is Dev? I only know seventeen year old Dev, not you.” I turned to walk back to where I’d left my crate, but as soon as I passed him, he reached out and grabbed my arm.

  His fingers wrapped around my elbow and grip
ped just tight enough to stop my movement. I could feel his body heat as he moved closer to me. His voice was harsh as his breath feathered across my neck, “You know me. I’ve always been me with you.”

  I shivered at his proximity, but held my resolve, “We were both pretending to be other people. You may think I know you, but I know you don’t know me.” I turned my head and glared daggers at him. His fingers released their hold on me, and he stepped back as if my words had slapped him.

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered. He rubbed his now clean-shaven jaw before removing his leather jacket. “I can’t go back. I know that, but I’d really like to go forward with you. Can we do that? Can you do that?”

  “What exactly do you mean? Friends? What?” I turned away from him and took a few deep breaths as I waited for him to answer. I knew what I wanted him to say, but I didn’t know if he still felt it.

  “Can you look at me please? I don’t want to have this discussion with the back of your head,” I could hear him moving around, and then the telltale sign of a barstool sliding across the floor.

  “No,” I grumbled as I leaned over to grab another liquor bottle. We stayed there in silence as I picked up countless bottles, checking the levels as he watched. I don’t know what we thought we were doing… avoiding each other… trying to see who would hold out longer? Dev finally gave in when he saw me place the last bottle on the shelf.

  “Sam, you’re being ridiculous. Talk to me,” he growled as he slapped his hands down on the bar.

  “What do you want me to say?” I turned to face him, and at that moment, it all came pouring out of me. “I’m mad at you!” I pointed at him. “You promised you’d find me! You didn’t! I’ve been living in Vegas for four years waiting for you! I stayed put so you could find me! Kept the same name all four years! Worked the same job! I did everything I could to make it easy for you!” My body was shaking at this point. Tears streamed down my face as my chest heaved with sobs.