Becoming Somebody Read online

  “I tried,” his face twisted in pain. “I tried for weeks to find you,” he shook his head as his shoulders dropped. “I thought I had at one point, but then I got assigned to a new case. I was in deep. No one knew where I was except my handler. Even Jase was out of the loop,” his expression begged for understanding, but I didn’t care. I was angry, and years of hiding who I was began to pour out of me as I unleashed on him.

  “You tried!” I screamed. “Not fucking good enough!” I grabbed a glass that was nearby and threw it in his direction. “I loved you,” I began to cry as my knees weakened, and I slowly sank toward the floor. “I loved you so much. I would have done anything you asked.”

  “Sam, stop!” He shoved his stool back as he stood and raced around to where I was curled up on the floor. “We can fix this. I promise we can fix it.” He skidded to a stop beside me and dropped down as he wrapped his arms around me.

  I fisted his soft T-shirt as I buried my face in his chest and cried. “How? How are we going fix it?”

  “I’m not on assignment right now,” he whispered as he placed a kiss to the top of my head. “I’m going to stay here in Chicago and work. I’m going to take you out and fix us. I’m going to finish what we started years ago, and this time neither one of us is leaving.”

  “How am I supposed to believe that? You lie about who you are for a living. It’s your job,” I mumbled.

  “I’m not going to lie to you,” he soothed. “I promise. I’ll do anything to fix this.”

  “Anything?” I tilted my head up and wiped the tears from my eyes.

  “Anything,” he nodded.

  I picked up his hand and turned it over to look at his wrist. The skull and roses, where he’d inked himself to fit into George’s group, were still there. He pulled his hand back and tugged his sleeve back down so it was covered.

  “I’ve been meaning to get that removed,” he grimaced when I peered up at him.

  I nodded in acceptance as I stood. “Consequence of the job, huh?”

  “I guess,” he rose to his feet, too. “Listen,” he gripped my chin. “I know it’s gonna take time, but I want to see you again— outside of this place. When do you get off tonight?”

  “I can’t,” I turned away. “I’ve already got plans tonight.”

  Dev’s head snapped back as if I’d slapped him.

  “Not a date,” I clarified. “I promised a friend a girl’s night.” I knew that was only a partial truth, but with everything that had happened today, I wasn’t ready to tell him he had a daughter.

  “Tomorrow?” he smiled. “My place? I’ll cook.”

  “I don’t even know where your place is,” I grinned. The easy banter that we’d once had was slowly coming back. The tension that had been radiating between us seemed to be evaporating.

  “Yes, you do,” he chuckled. “I haven’t moved.”

  “Wait,” I gasped. “You still have the loft?”

  “Yeah, why?” He narrowed his eyes on me.

  I couldn’t tell him that we lived in the same building. I didn’t want him showing up at my door. What if Mara answered it? “No reason, just curious.” This new knowledge was something that I was relieved to have. I knew I’d need to be careful with my comings and goings. I didn’t want Dev to know about Mara until I was ready. I needed him to be ready.

  “So, tomorrow? Dinner? My place?” He cupped my chin and leaned in until his nose brushed mine.

  “I don’t know,” I whispered. “I might have to work.” It was a lame excuse, but he was so close that I couldn’t get words out.

  “I think you do know. I’m glad to see I still affect you,” he smirked as he moved his mouth to the shell of my ear. “I’ll be waiting for you.” With that, he stepped back and removed all contact between us.

  My body was strung tight with tension, and as he strode toward the door, I released a growl. “I’ll get you back for this.”

  “I hope so,” he chuckled as he shoved the door open and disappeared onto the street.

  I stomped my foot as the door swung shut. This was so not fair. He still knew exactly what to do to wind me up, and as I thought about tomorrow night and our dinner, I secretly wondered if he had plans to help me remove the ache he’d created. I’d missed him so much, and now with the possibility of actually having him, I was feeling truly hopeful for the first time in a long time. All I needed to do was tell him about Mara.

  Chapter 8

  “You know this place will survive without you for one night?” Tiff laughed as she watched me scurry around my office.

  “I know, but…” I stopped and sighed as I sat down. “I’ve never left anyone else in charge. It’s not that I don’t trust you guys, I just don’t think I’ll be able to relax knowing that the place is open and I’m not here.”

  “You can’t live here,” she rolled her eyes. “We’ve been open for a couple of months now; things are going great. Enjoy a night away,” she grinned and then slowly pushed the door shut closing us inside. “The Bad Ass needs time with you to show you how sorry he is,” she giggled as she watched me squirm.

  I shook my head at her. I’d told Tiff all about the Brian/Dev saga that was my life. She knew the truth, and I felt like I could trust her. It was nice having another woman to talk to.

  “We’re only having dinner,” I grumbled as I clicked away on the mouse. I was trying to submit the supply order before I left.

  “Right,” she chewed her lip. “Dinner at his place, alone,” she giggled again. “I’m sure talking is exactly what he has planned.”

  “It doesn’t matter what he has planned. It’s what I have planned,” I hit send on the email I was working on, and then closed the laptop. “Promise me that you’ll call as soon as trouble arises,” I pointed at her.

  “I will, but you need to trust your staff. You hired me because I’m good at my job. Trust me; we’ll be fine,” she opened the door and began walking away. “Besides,” she called over her shoulder “Jase is coming by. He can help if there’s an issue.”

  “Wait, what? How can Jase help?” I rushed after her.

  “If we have a problem, I’m sure it will be with some rowdy person. He can help,” she shrugged as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

  “You two getting close?” I leaned closer to her ear and whispered.

  “I want to,” she frowned, “but he’s holding back. I don’t know why.”

  “Give it time,” I groaned. “These boys are full of secrets. If he’s hiding something, it’s because of the job. Trust me.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” she muttered. “Hey, what are you still doing here? Go see your man.”

  “I am,” I laughed. “I’m leaving right now. Happy?”

  “Very,” she giggled, “and I want details tomorrow.”

  “Not a chance!” I tossed my head back in laughter.

  ooooooooo

  I’d yet to tell Dev where I lived, so getting to his loft undetected was no easy feat. When I’d gotten back home that afternoon, there was no sign of his bike. I didn’t know what kinda car he had, but I was sure he owned one. Chicago was not the place to ride a bike in the winter. With fall here, and winter approaching, I knew his mode of transportation would soon be changing.

  After showering, I’d spent quite a while standing in my closet trying to decide what to wear. I wasn’t sure what tonight was really about. Were we really just going to talk? Did he have other plans? Things had escalated so fast the last time that I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject. My body craved the attention that he could give, but my heart was still hurting. I also knew that I couldn’t keep Mara hidden forever. My mom was right; he needed to know.

  After finally deciding on a soft cotton dress, I moved to my dresser and began trying to decide on underwear. Was tonight going to be about comfort, or sex appeal? I wanted to be prepared for anything, but I also didn’t want to come across as desperate. Finally, deciding not to over think it, I grabbed a white lacy matching
bra and panty set. I could still feel good about myself even if he wasn’t going to see it. Right?

  I quickly dressed and went to work fixing my hair and putting on some light makeup. I knew we weren’t going out, and I really didn’t feel like over doing it. This was different for me. I wanted to be Sam tonight, not Mallory, or Emily, or anybody else, just me.

  I slipped on a pair of sandals, grabbed my purse and keys, and strode out the door. I lifted my chin in confidence as I stepped into the elevator. I needed to go up to the fifth floor. I lived on the third, and I knew once that secret was revealed, Dev wouldn’t be happy that I’d kept it from him.

  When the elevator stopped, I took several deep breaths before stepping out. The hallway looked the same with newer paint, and as I made my way to his door, everything began coming back. Being here, in his place, all the memories that went along with it peppered me from every angle.

  I stepped in front of the door and lifted my hand to knock. Before I could, the door swung open, and I stepped back, stunned.

  “I heard the lift,” he smiled as he raked his eyes down my form.

  “Uh,” my mouth hung open as I tried to process everything. He was standing there in a pair of jeans and a snug T-shirt. His feet were bare, and as I let my eyes drag upward, I noticed he’d cut his hair. “Can I—can I come in?” I stuttered.

  He stepped back and waved his arm toward the entrance as his lips turned upward. He appraised me as I stepped past him, and I couldn’t help but feel his stare burn my skin.

  “I didn’t think you’d show,” he chuckled.

  “Why’s that?” I mumbled as I glanced around the loft. It looked the same. Nothing had changed in the four years I’d been gone. The furniture was still a sleek modern look, the only difference were photos. Everywhere I looked, pictures covered the surfaces. His parents and family back in New York, and even… me. “Oh my god!” I gasped as I rushed over to a small end table. “I can’t believe you have this.”

  He nodded as he watched me. “I’ve have others, too. I just like that one the best,” I could hear him closing the door, and within seconds he was standing behind me. “I loved you, even back then.” He plucked the frame from my fingertips and placed it back on the table. “I saved them all; I just couldn’t have them out before. Rule number one of the job: no personal items.”

  “But now?” I turned to face him.

  “I told you. I’m not undercover. I’m staying here with you,” his eyes twinkled as he watched me process the information once again.

  “Sam,” he placed his hands on my shoulders. “I’m willing to do whatever I have to do to fix this. I love you. I always have. I want to be us again without all the secrets. I’ll tell you anything you want to know, but first,” he leaned down next to my ear, “Let’s eat,” he smirked as he backed away from me.

  My breathing hitched as he chuckled and made his way toward the kitchen. Watching him, I growled in frustration. He seemed so natural standing there. I wasn’t sure what it was, but seeing a man cooking barefoot was something that twisted my insides in the most delicious way.

  “So what are we having?” I tried for nonchalance as I fought with my heart rate, trying to slow it.

  “Pasta,” he grinned as he looked back at me. “You okay with that?”

  “Sounds great,” I mumbled, sitting down at the table. I continued to dart my eyes around the room. It was weird. Everything was the same, but different at the same time.

  “What’s wrong?” Dev’s brow furrowed as he carried the bowl of fresh pasta with tomato sauce over to the table and sat down.

  “Nothing,” I slowly shook my head. “I guess I’m just trying to take it all in. Being back here is weird for me.”

  “How so?” He scooped the spaghetti onto our plates and then went to work opening a bottle of wine.

  “I don’t know exactly. It’s like we’re here in someone else’s apartment. I mean… I know it’s yours, but it doesn’t feel that way,” I shrugged and began poking my fork at a noodle.

  “No, I know what you mean. I’ve spent half my life pretending to be someone else. I like being me for a change, but I got this place when I was someone else. I’m still trying to make it mine,” he looked around before he lifted his wine glass toward me. “To us,” he winked and nodded at me to pick up my glass.

  My head bobbed slowly as I forced air into my lungs, “To us.” I took a sip of wine and leaned back in my chair. “Dev?” I sucked my lip into my mouth and began twisting my hands in my lap.

  “Yeah?” He placed his fork beside his plate as he waited for me to continue.

  “Is there an us? I mean, what exactly are we doing?” His eyes flashed for a moment before he sucked in a deep breath.

  “Do you want there to be?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “What happens between us is up to you. I’ve told you how I feel. That hasn’t changed,” he squeezed his eyes shut and released a deep breath. “I’ll wait until you’re ready, but I need to know what you want.”

  “There’s so much you don’t know about me. Things that have happened since I left. Things that I’ve done. Things that happened between New York and Chicago. Things that happened after I left Chicago.” I could feel my throat tightening with the sign of tears, but I refused to cry anymore. I’d cried over this enough to last a lifetime.

  “Come here,” he stood and offered his hand. I took it willingly and let him lead me over to the couch. He sat and pulled me into his lap. “I don’t care about that stuff. There’s nothing you could say that would change the way I feel about you,” he wrapped his arms around my waist and placed a kiss on the side of my head. “I love you, Sam. I’ll keep saying it for as long as you need to hear it, and it’s the truth. I love you.” He leaned in again, this time aiming for my cheek, but I turned my head right before his lips made contact and brought my mouth to his. It was tentative at first, light, almost a whisper of a kiss.

  I held my head still while my hands lifted of their own to wrap around his neck. He groaned as my fingers wove into the soft strands. It was as if I’d ignited a fire. The embers that had been there waiting for fuel had found it. His body roared to life as his tongue parted my lips and dove in. His hands, resting on my hips, began to slide upward and caress my back. I collapsed into him, pressing my chest against his.

  Our dinner long forgotten, he turned us and began lowering me onto my back. Our hands made sweeping motions across each other’s bodies as we began re-learning the terrain. I could feel my back arching as he sprinkled my neck and chest with light kisses. “Sam,” he groaned as his right hand began to work its way underneath the edge of my dress.

  “Don’t stop!” I panted. “Please, don’t stop.” I knew I sounded desperate, but I didn’t care. I’d been waiting for this moment for four years. Worries that I’d had over our reunion began to evaporate as I watched him yank his shirt over his head. The chiseled chest that I’d missed so much came into view, causing my insides to tighten even more. I sighed when he leaned back down and pressed himself against me. It felt so good, and all I could think about was what was coming next.

  Within minutes, Dev had us both naked on his couch. Our mouths were furiously blazing paths over the other’s body. The muscles in his back bunched and twisted as he rocked himself against me. He was pressing into my thigh, but every few seconds he would rub right where I wanted him to be.

  “I want you so fucking much right now,” he groaned.

  “What’s stopping you?” I lifted a hand and cupped his cheek. He paused in his movement and briefly closed his eyes. “I want you, too.”

  “Sam,” he dropped his head so his forehead was resting against mine.

  “Say it again,” I whispered. He peered up at me as if he wasn’t sure what I meant. “My name… say it again,” tears leaked from my eyes as I watched recognition dawn on him.

  “Sam,” he whispered as he connected our mouths once again, this time in a kiss filled with passion. When he pulled back, he trailed
his fingers right along my hairline. “Do I need a condom?” He nuzzled my neck. “I’m clean, I swear. I got checked out when I came back from my last assignment.”

  I shook my head, “I’m on the pill. I trust you,” I lifted my hips, and rubbed them against him.

  “Shit!” he hissed. “You’re gonna end me before we ever get started.” He grabbed my hip with one hand and held me in place as he leaned down next to my ear and whispered, “I don’t wanna come yet. When I do, I wanna be buried so far inside you that you can’t think of anything else but me.”

  I gasped, and before I could respond, he rocked his hips forward and plunged himself inside me all the way to the hilt. My eyes rolled back in pleasure as a few mumbled curses slipped from my lips. Dev pulled back, but quickly slammed himself back in. “Oh fuck!” he hissed. “You’re fucking perfect, Sam. Tell me you love me,” his eyes bored into mine. “Tell me you’re mine,” he panted as he worked us closer to the edge.

  “I love you. I’m yours,” I cried as every muscle in my body twisted to the point of breaking, and then with one last pump of his hips, I shattered. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath. Dev continue to thrust into me with a speed I’d never felt before. His face held an expression I hadn’t seen in a long time. Pure and utter love along with something else… fear maybe?

  “Saaammmm,” he groaned as he surged forward one last time, and then collapsed on top of me. His body trembled as he tried to slow his breathing. I could feel his cock twitching inside of me, and the reality of what we’d just done began to set in.

  “What are we doing?” My voice was slightly panicked as I pushed on his shoulders.

  “Baby?” His eyes widened as he leaned back to climb off me. “You’re not sorry that happened are you? I mean, you wanted it too, right?”

  I reached for my clothes, and began dressing, refusing to look at him. “I came here to figure things out. There’s so much you don’t know, and I don’t even know how to begin to tell you,” I growled more at myself than him.